I think I've made my decision...maybe

The title should say it all; I'm 100 per cent behind the decision I've made about my stay-at-home vs go-back-to-work dilemma.

I'm going back.

And now I have exactly 4 weeks to get an open mind about it. Because if I don't have an open mind then I'm just going to hate it by default and then what's the point of going back in the first place?

And what is the point, when I really do want to stay home with the kids? Well, that's the million dollar question that I've been struggling with for a week and a half. And the answer is I feel like I need to go back to see if I want to stay home because I'm just comfortable doing so and don't want to go to work every day or if I want to stay home because I really do want to spend 12 hours a day with my kids and pick up my career in 4 or 5 years. (And I mean 12 hours because lately, Austin is Mr. I Don't Want To Nap So I Won't. As I write this, he is upstairs in his room singing Jingle Bells at the top of his lungs and banging on the wall instead of napping. At least Alex is sleeping through it.)

It's been a tough week for me trying to figure out what to do. I talked to a lot of people -- some who have been or who are stay-at-home moms and others who made the decision to go back. Both helped me argue each option equally well.

So, four weeks from today, I'll be sitting in my cubicle like a deer caught in headlights willing myself to have an open mind about being at work. Who knows, maybe I'll even like it.

Yet another 'itis' for me

It seems that the cause of my arm infection (which had a name -- it was cellulitis) has been discovered.

And the reason is another 'itis'. Bursitis.

Apparently, I somehow injured the bursa sac in my elbow and this is what likely let the infection in. (A bursa sac, for those who don't know (because I didn't) is a fluid-filled sac that cushion pressure points between your bones and the tendons and muscles near your joints. They help your joints move with ease.)

Now that the infection has finally cleared, this conclusion was drawn by the doctor because the pain still lingers in my elbow. It still hurts to the touch, it hurts to lay down on a table or even a couch arm rest and it hurts to pick up anything heavy -- like my daughter.

Unfortunately, the cure for bursitis is resting the injured area, anti-inflamatory drugs and time. Well the drugs I have, the time I have but resting my arm when I'm home with two kids all day is easier said then done.

So I'm making do. I carry Alex around in my right arm all the time now; which is awkward because I've always carried her in my left. This has led to a bit of juggling at times because I'm so used to carrying kids in my left arm. For example, I can't tell you how many times I've put my keys in my pocket, picked Alex up in my right arm, walked to the car and discovered that my keys are actually in my right pocket (because I use to always have my right arm free). So now, I'm trying to balance her without putting her full weight on my left arm while at the same time, reach for my keys.

At least I can do everything with two arms again when I need to -- like push the stroller, drive the car and make lunches.

I just hope that this all gets better soon. I'm getting a little tired of always having an 'itis'.

Who knew two days could make me feel so weepy

My start date back at work is April 27. That's exactly 41 days from now. I've known this day was coming since I left work last April.

But as the day gets closer, I start going more and more into denial mode. And today, as I was talking to my manager (because it's prudent to touch base with work after being gone for so long), she asked me to do the unthinkable: come back to work two days earlier so that I could have some time with the woman who replaced me (because her last day is the 24th).

I calmly told her I'd see what I could do because I don't have child care for those days. And when I hung up I cried.

I cried because I have to work two extra days. But not really, because those are vacation days so I'm getting them back to take at another time. So really, how silly am I?

I cried because I realized that I really am dreading going back to work. For weeks and months, I've been saying 'yes I'm going back because I can always decide later if I don't want to be there'. But suddenly, I'm starting to realize that I'm really happy at home with the kids (as much as they drive me crazy from time to time) and I don't want to leave them.

Unlike as my last maternity leave drew to close, I'm not excited about rejoining the real world and re-establishing a sense of 'purpose'. And although the fact remains that I do still really like my job, I'm not sure I want go back to the real world.

So maybe I shouldn't. Maybe I should stop telling myself that I'm going to do the right thing and think about just doing the right thing.

But what is the right thing? Where is the magic envelope that has the right answer in it? And is there a right answer? And if there is, how do I know it is?

One thing is for sure...I have more questions than answers right now. But if the thought of going back to work just two measly days early makes me weepy, then I have a lot to think about in a very short period of time.

I have two arms again!

I saw the doctor again yesterday and it's the first time I've seen a doctor in four visits where I haven't been warned about the need to go to the hospital if it appears to get worse.

In other words, I'm officially on the mend.

I'm still on antibiotics for another six days. And I still have some pain and swelling, but I pretty much have full use of my arm again -- which is a relief. Because it means I can care for the kids by myself again.

I still have to remind Austin to be careful of my arm when we're doing things (because the elbow still hurts to the touch) and I still can't carry Alex in my left arm. But at least I can use two arms to pick her up. Things get kind of interesting when you're trying to pick your 11-month-old up off the floor using just one arm!

Hopefully, when the antibiotics are done, this infection doesn't persist. I don't think I want to go through another week like last week any time soon.

Me and my useless arm

It's been four days since I was told I had an infection in my arm. And the good news is that it's getting better. The bad news is is it's not getting better fast enough -- at least not for my liking.

I was back at the doctor today, and although I was told it's healing, it's not healing fast enough for her liking either. So I've been given more antibiotics -- for a total of 17 days worth when they're all said and done -- have been given another appointment to see her in five days and been ordered to go to the hospital if it doesn't continue to get better or if starts to get worse again.

I've regained much mobility in it, but not all and some of the pain and swelling is gone -- but again, not all. So the long story short of this is, I can do some things, but I'm still pretty incapable of doing a lot by myself.

And because of this, I feel pretty useless.

And I hate feeling useless.

All weekend, Ryan took everything on his shoulders. From doing all the laundry to carrying Alex and keeping Austin from needing me and my arm. But on Monday, he had to go back to work.

So, I've had a steady flow of people coming through my door to help out. First it was a friend who is also on maternity leave and her daughter; then it was my neighbourhood high school student babysitter who is kind of, sort of, not really still a student and had the time -- and well, of course, I was paying her. Then, it was my sister.

There's much I can manage on my own, but there's so many little things that I can't, which is why I need help. Everyone who has helped out has taken the kids outside (because this is a hard one -- the double stroller can't be pushed with one hand but the single one can except then I can't hold Austin's hand when necessary), made lunches, carried Alex around and/or changed diapers.

I mean, you try wiping the poopy bum of a squirmy 10 month old while using only one arm for the job?

The weirdest injury of all

On Thursday afternoon, my left arm started aching around the elbow. I had no idea why and thought maybe I had slept on it funny (I had just woken up from a 30 minute snooze on the couch).

But by the time Ryan got home for dinner, my elbow was the size of a tennis ball, it was giving off a lot of heat and I couldn't move my fingers that well.

So, after dinner, I was off to find a walk-in clinic. After failing to find an open one, I ended up at Emergency. I wasn't keen on going to the hospital, but the pain and not being able to do anything with my arm was enough to make me go.

I checked in at about 8:45 and thankfully, I was out by 10. The doctor who saw me, of course asked what I did, at which point, I had to respond, 'I don't know', because, honestly, I had no memory of banging my arm in the last 24 hours. But that didn't mean it didn't happen.

After poking and prodding a bit, she determined I had likely over-rotated the elbow joint somehow and now the swelling was pushing on the nerves, etc. She precscribed an anti-inflammatory and told me to follow up with my family doctor in a couple of days because it could be something more. It could actually be an infection in my elbow, but it was hard to determine at this point since I didn't have any other symptoms (such as fever, or swelling beyond the elbow).

So, I filled my prescription and went home.

Friday was miserable. My arm hurt, no matter what I did, and I'm pretty sure I had a touch of the flu that Austin had just gotten over. Ryan had to stay home from work to take care of the kids, because I couldn't. I was feeling crappy and I couldn't use my left arm.

By Friday evening, the fluish symptoms had past but the arm hurt more than ever. As I was heading to bed, I checked it out in the mirror and discovered that it wasn't only my elbow that was swollen, but my forearm as well.

By morning, the swelling was reaching my hand and was creeping up toward my shoulder. Not a good sign. So, it was back to the doctor for me.

After waiting two hours at the walk-in clinic, I was finally seen by a doctor. After hearing me say I don't know what I did to hurt it, she concluded I had an infection.

In my elbow.

How I got it, she has no idea. Something as simple as a scratch could've done it.

So, now I'm on some pretty potent antibiotics and if the swelling doesn't reduce in the next 48 hours (or gets worse in the next 24 hours) I've been ordered to go to the Hospital for IV antibiotics. Fun stuff, I tell you.

I still can't use my arm for anything -- so doing things like holding Alex and even getting dressed is a challenge -- but at least it doesn't hurt right now, unless someone or something touches it, or even just grazes it.

Only me, klutz extraordinaire, could end up with an injury/illness like this. Hey, gotta keep a sense of humour, right?

I did it! A cake designed in my kitchen

I guess I have to take back everything I've ever said about not being crafty or creative. Because this weekend, I did this:
Since Austin is big into Mickey Mouse right now, for his third birthday party, I baked and designed a Mickey Mouse cake for him.

I've been flip flopping on whether to do this for weeks. I wanted to but was afraid I wouldn't be able to. Finally, on Friday afternoon, I decided to go for it. I figured, the worst that could happen is that it turned into a disaster, I scrapped it and baked cupcakes.

So, I packed the kids in the car and headed to Bulk Barn to rent a Mickey Mouse-shaped pan. And it's at this point, I discovered it came with paint-by-number instructions on the back. Suddenly, I thought, this might not be so hard afterall.

The icing project started Saturday afternoon around 1:30. First task on the list was to dye the icing. Something that really isn't that hard, but being a newby at this, I used WAY TOO MUCH black dye. This isn't really a problem in the 'how it looks' department -- in fact it made the black look great. But it is a problem in the 'staining everything in sight' department...including the teeth, mouth and face of those eating it.

Aside from the black dye incident, the rest of the colours worked out ok. And so I began painting by number. And painting and painting and painting.

It was 8:30 p.m. by the time I finished (stopping for a bit, mind you, to eat dinner and do a couple of other things). As the hours ticked by, Austin kept hopping up on his stool to 'check on my work'. So, I guess he was pretty excited by the Mickey cake.

In the end, I think it looked great. I was exhausted and didn't couldn't fathom the idea of looking at anymore icing. But the rest of the evening, and the next morning before the party, I kept peeking in the fridge to look at it. I couldn't help it because I couldn't believe I DID IT!

And I'm already thinking about what to do next time.